ขอบคุณ-K̄habkhuṇ Kha

"After the Fall, You Need to Rise"

“I am sorry! You aren’t in the top 36”, either I heard it wrong or I didn’t want to comprehend what my friend just told me.

I remember walking like a lump of flesh through Norzim Lam to the taxi parking, feeling totally devastated, numb and deserted. I couldn’t accept the fact that I couldn’t make it, was still in the denial stage. I started questioning myself, how can this happen to me? Where did it go wrong? What wasn’t enough in my preparation? These rattling questions came one after another, to which I didn’t have any answers as I gave my best, I burnt the flaming midnight oils, dedicated all my time in preparation and referred every relevant note, and Yes! Read all the God damn thick history books. So where did I falter, what could have been done more? Many questions, unsettling thoughts, and the world seemed like falling apart and ending just before my eyes.

How do I face my parents? How do I tell them about my failure?  They have always had a great expectation from their eldest daughter and believed that I will do wonders and make them proud. Like any Bhutanese parents, my parents too had a stereotypical plan for me. First, you complete your schooling, get a degree and become a civil servant, an office goer. They didn’t understand any other job than working in civil service.

How do I face my relatives? The people who unwaveringly supported me, and appreciated my achievements. The people who thought I had the capacity and caliber to be in the so-called top 36. They never wavered when they said I will crack Bhutan Civil Service Examination (BCSE).

How do I face my teachers and lecturers? My entire six semesters in the college were unprecedented as my performances were excellent. I didn’t keep any stone unturned to maintain consistent results. A side effect of being in the forefront, getting distinction has its own share of burden. The expectation of people who wants you to do well culminates and you become too obsessed to prove yourself every time.

How do I face my friends? Friends! Some friends who looked up to me and always believed that I will make it big someday. Some of them just assumed that I knew everything as I did well in the class, but they didn’t see my arduous and sleepless efforts. How do I explain to them that things just don’t come easily, you got to put your ass off to make things happen. A little more effort and sacrifices made me better than them I guess, if not we were on the same boat sailing through to make it to the end.

                      Finding solidarity in being alone-2017

"A little more effort and sacrifices made me better than them I guess, if not we were on the same boat sailing through to make it to the end."

And finally! How do I face myself? I never thought of any other alternatives than being in the top 36- the cream of the nation they call it. My only aim was to be the cream, not the crust. I had many eyes lurking upon me with expectations, hope, and faith. I didn’t want to let anyone down, especially my parents. I have got to prove myself, as they say, there are more people waiting for your downfall than really rooting for your success. When your whole world revolves around the expectation of society and you fear not being able to meet them, that’s when you start being paranoid, anxious and chained. Chained with people’s expectations.

So, where do I seek asylum? Where do I hide to save myself? I dreaded meeting people, being online and receiving calls. No words and advice mitigated or alleviated the broken me. Instead, I became reclusive, started alienating myself. Whenever they asked me about the result, I thought they were ridiculing me and asking it intentionally although they knew about it. But now when I reflect back, I think they were concerned about me. During those harrowing and lowest point, your family is what keeps you going. They become your strength.

As Hemingway rightly puts it “Man can be destroyed not defeated”, with days passing by culminating to months and year, I convinced myself that this is not the end. I started exploring other avenues, applied wherever the vacancies were announced. Participated as an enumerator for the survey conducted Anti-corruption Commission (ACC) until I landed a job in Royal University of Bhutan as a lecturer in Gyalpozhing College of Information Technology (GCIT). My hard-earned academic marks representing the hard work and diligence I have put in during college days paid off, as grade plays a pivotal role in getting shortlisted for an interview. Your hard work never goes in vain. Keep being industrious.

                                                         With my students- GCIT

                  “Man can be destroyed not defeated”

I am a firm believer of fate and destiny amalgamated with assiduous determination, if it is meant to happen, the whole universe conspires to make it happen. I was meant to be a teacher, a profession I thought was far-fetched for a person of my caliber. And here I am standing tall than ever, thanking God for being gracious. For helping me endure the failure, I don’t fear to fail anymore as I no longer have to prove myself.  I can be a true self, imperfect with a flawed personality. No more an epitome of success. Freed from the chains and going with the flow, yearning to learn new things every day.

Hence, to all the aspiring young people out there- 

             Keep working hard, it is always rewarded

   Do follow the conventional norms but do not be too stringent, have a backup plan or alternatives.If one does not work, others will.Keep going.

      “Time the destroyer is the time the preserver”- rise like the phoenix. Do not be consumed by the failure, time mends everything. Be patient.    

        And Yes! Follow your own current and pace, do not lose yourself in this hard edging cut-throat rat race.

                                                  Keeping moving…..😊😊😊