Gosh, 27!

I will be 27.

 Lately, I have been retrospecting about the yesteryears; my formative years. 

At 27 am I really happy? Is this what I wanted? 

I don't have any definite answers to any of the questions, I can only say I started off without having any concrete aim. Born to a mother who was barely a girl herself, uneducated, and bonded in the karmic cycle of struggle, life wasn't a bed of roses for both of us. It still gives me chill when I think about the life my mother had to lead- young, and vulnerable. Despite everything working against her, I have always admired her resilience and courage to rise above adversity. I don't know if I have my mother's astute and bravery to overcome such difficulties. Lost her husband, my father to an unfortunate accident, it's unfathomable to think what she might have been through. Those days, for a woman, her only way to break the societal cage was by marrying and moving in with her husband. The moment she gets married, she is indefinitely dependent on her man. If you are from an affluent family, you still got some assurance but if you are uneducated, impoverished, and widowed at a very young age, what are the odds. 

Although I don't have vivid memories of my Dad, I use to dream about him when I was a kid. I remember being teary-eyed at the mention of his name or when people asked about him. I couldn't hold my emotions. I always rejoiced to know that he loved me unconditionally and he was really fond of me. My mother says I got his height, and her features, I am thankful for that as he was tall☺. I know I have been fortunate to have had people who cared and looked for me, but still, I longed for his presence. As a little girl, I craved to have a father-daughter bonding-a piggyback ride, a drive to school, insignificant little things but cherishable moments I wished I had at my disposal. Some voids are difficult to fill, inexplicable feeling indeed. 

For now, I want to believe that I could have been the coolest daughter to him, and my Dad- a solid support system, my go-to person, and my ideal. We could have been the best father-daughter duo. My mother's sister, my aunt recounted an interesting incident about my Dad bringing a school bag as a gift for me. She said he wanted me to study and become an independent woman someday. According to her, it is my father's prayer and blessing that I have been able to study, graduate, and get a job. A parent's wish! I believe, it definitely is one of the attributes, parents wish never goes unanswered. Being Bhutanese! 

I hope he is proud of me for the woman I have become.

Under such formidable circumstances, my early schooling years began in Haa, under the tutelage of my Uncle and Aunt. I think the years spent in Haa are what made me who I am today. Basically, out of 26 years of my life, I spent 10 years there. Completed my secondary and high school from Katsho and Ugyen Dorji respectively. Secondary was fun, I literally breathed, ate, and thought about football the whole time. I don't really remember studying and paying attention in the class, the time before the morning assembly was when I completed my homework, thanks to toppers. Waking up for studying was a nightmare but I would be there on the football ground for practice be it in the morning, afternoon, evening. Irrespective of whether it was raining, snowing, or in the scorching sun. I was literally a hopeless kid when it came to studies. 

I guess high school was a kind of revelation, an epiphany. Transition from secondary to high school was like a bubble getting poked by an invisible pin. I suddenly grew up, matured enough to understand what is important. Matured enough to care about appearances and feel obligated to act like a lady. Matured enough to be skeptical, constantly thinking about other's opinions, and seeking validation. Matured enough to sink in all the fun of being innocent and carefree. In the quest to fit in the societal definition and norms of what a lady should be, I guess somewhere else I lost my authentic self. 

However, High school had its fair share of positive influences in my life. I particularly remember one friend, my seatmate in X standard,  who really helped me realize my potential. While my interest in playing games drifted away, I found solace in studying. I owe her for being that friend who motivated and inspired me to study. I doubt if I would have qualified from the tenth standard if it wasn't for her, her notes, and constant reminder. Sometimes, strangers become that one person you have always been looking for. Embracing and adapting to change should be our defense mechanism. 

College was indeed the glorious year of my life. You evolve, meet life long friends, and become independent. Prepares you to enter into the abyss of life. Then, comes the next phase, getting a job, and actually being happy with what you are doing. How many of us can confidently say,

      ''We love what we are doing and whatever we are into now is what we always wanted''. 

For me, I believe that I have come a long way, it feels like a dream at times. I never had any extravagant or exotic dream. I never thought I could achieve any of this, in fact, I didn't even think I would be able to finish high school. Being able to get a degree, a profession I always thought was out of my reach, and getting opportunities to constantly mold myself is surreal. Never had a plan, God has been gracious and I am always grateful and courteous for that. He has a plan for everything. The friends you encounter, the relatives who support you, the teacher who encourage you, and the path you take are defining aspects of your life. 

Some voids are difficult to fill, inexplicable feeling indeed.

Thank you for this eccentric 26 years, meddled with joy, pain, and life. 

I look forward to more idiosyncrasies. I will learn, live, and love!!!