Eccentric Relationship with My Body
Eccentric Relationship with My Body
As a kid, I remember my mom’s friends saying “If only I was born a day or two late from the due date, I would have been a boy”, I still don’t understand the logic though. But fair enough, their comment was valid. As a kid, I never conformed to the default demeanor of being a girl. While my girlfriends were playing with dolls and fancied wearing elaborated skirts, I was feisty and constantly on run, playing with my brothers. I was adventurous, outdoorsy-just liked playing (which is not a girly thing to do I guess). I am not sure being coy and demure represents femineity, either it is a societal expectation or an orthodox rationale imposed on us.
“If only I was born a day or two late from the due date, I would have been a boy”
When I was in secondary school, I used to have short hair, (if you are a girl by default you need to have long silky hair) and I was lean and thin. Never had to second guess about what I was wearing and how I looked. In fact, people used to mistake me for a boy. I didn’t have any problem with that. I was comfortable in my own skin or I didn’t receive any disparaging comments until then. I was athletic, sporty- used to participate in all the sports events. I was particularly, more enthusiastic about playing football. Wearing shorts and tight clothes was not a problem, it was as seamless as covering a newborn with a piece of cloth. No judgment, prejudices, and remarks from the onlookers. Entirely relished those carefree days.
Came high school and it was all downhill from there. You hit puberty, go through hormonal changes and you start to see your body evolving. I particularly struggled with my body image. Suddenly from being a thin athletic girl, I became a fat lethargic woman (this was how people saw me). In my mind though, I always thought I was thin and energetic -Until someone told me to my face that I could barely run forget about playing football with my big ass and weight. Until someone told me I shouldn’t take charge of writing notes on the board despite having good handwriting as my body obscured the whole board. Until someone told me, I have a voluptuous thigh, which made me conscious about wearing shorts. Oh boy! I brushed all those comments under the rug and laughed it off, thought what’s the big deal, it’s just a silly oblivious joke and comments. But now when I look back, those comments did leave scars and they did impact me adversely. I started playing less, my confidence level diminished, and had to think twice before wearing anything. Became socially awkward.
Then the menstruation happened. You need another level of grit and understanding to come to terms with all these changes. Monthly period- cramps, nausea, bloating, hormonal imbalance, we have all these affecting us ‘during that time of the month’ (as people call it). Apart from dealing with this, back then buying a sanitary pad was like going for an expedition. It was like you are buying AK47, drugs, or an illegal product. You have to meticulously plan your shopping trip. Strategize, if a shopkeeper is a man, either you wait or look for a shop with a lady shopkeeper. And if you manage to buy one, my god! the conundrum of having to conceal the ‘STAYFREE’ package is entirely bizarre. You need to either wrap it with paper or put it in a BLACK plastic as if the sight of it will bring catastrophe or it was a sin to menstruate. We hardly talked about it, even among my girlfriends we were not really open talking about menstruation and issues associate with it. I wish we could have talked more.
Off I sailed to the new phase of my life, 19 and in college. Grown-up woman, ready to take on the world (this is how I imagined myself). But my weight loss from 69 to 51 kg put me into a different spectrum. This time I was too thin. People thought I was on something because I had a flat butt (I don’t know what that means). More than people’s view, this time the dramatic weight loss took a toll on my physical and mental well-being. When I look back, I think I was struggling with an eating disorder. My whole digestive system got messed up and I had to depend on laxatives, which left blemishes on my face (still have). Mentally, it was exhausting, besides having to worry about studies, imagine your mind rattled with constant tittering of having to think about food. Mind you, I never intended to lose weight, it just happened. Still, people had something to comment on.
23! independent lady-secure job and financially stable. Had to undo a lot of unhealthy stuff out of my life. By the time I graduated, I put on weight but people said I ‘gained gained’ weight compared to what I was in the first year. Oh! C’mon, I might have weighed 65, and that’s not obese. I felt healthy and was back to being myself. And another bickering comment I have been receiving is about the way I walk. ‘Walk like girl/woman/lady’- I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to walk differently- masculine or feminine, I JUST WALK.
And recently, someone said I look matured (I take it as a compliment). I don’t know what that meant too but all I could respond was ‘of course I am allowed to look matured, I am 27! I cannot look like a teenager anymore (and I don’t wish to). I cannot age back, OF COURSE, I look matured and woman. I embrace and savor all of it.
And yes! Down the line,
I might give birth and have stretch marks,
I might put on more weight,
Wither and wrinkle,
I will devour and accept all of it,
It’s me! My body, my soul, my spirit, all of me.
Let people talk.
Recently, I have had a kind of epiphany, I never looked at myself and embraced the whole of me until now. I am 27 and this is the first time I evaluated my internalized insecurities about my body, personality, and myself. It is cathartic to revive the old memories, it like entering into the rabbit hole. Work in progress!
And to all the young girls and women out there, at every stage of our life, we are prone to judgment but it is up to us to decide which way to take. Either you be affected by the derogatory comments or just walk away.
We should stop commenting on people’s weight. Stop telling people they look thin, fat or gained weight when we meet. Let’s spread body positivity.
First, I was too tomboyish,
Then I was too fat,
Then too thin,
Too masculine, and too mature!
There is always some label.
YOU SEE!!!
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